A few years ago I was at a dance party at Toronto’s gay bookstore/restaurant/bar and I recognized a woman who was is this badass drumming group I’d seen perform a few days earlier. Having just moved to Toronto and therefore not yet knowing a soul, I was on a mission to make friends. An incredible shift happens when you make your first good friend in new city… It’s like you’re finally standing on something, and everything feels a little more real.

I went up to the drummer woman who seemed slightly shy, and told her how I enjoyed her performance. But I was more animated than was natural for me, because I learned that’s how you make friends. I think my false high energy came across as disingenuous to this woman and she didn’t engage very much.

When I thought about it later, I realized that if I had gone up to her more as myself, we probably would’ve connected. The fact that I could have BOTH been my tru self AND made a new friend made it very clear to me that it was not worth it to try & be someone I’m not. That day I made the decision to never over-extend myself socially in that way. Instead, I would be myself and see which people are drawn to me.

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The world feels like it’s moving faster than ever… Information & thoughts seem to move at a mile a minute, and people even talk faster. Sometimes I find it hard to not match the sometimes frenetic energy of other people.

Last week I was hosting Tea & Conversation, where we sit around and sip on tea while exploring a meaningful topic. Only 1 person from the usual group showed up that week, and we got into an easy-going but thoughtful conversation. We asked each other compelling questions and thought about the answers before responding.

Eventually three more people came in and sat down, and immediately started talking fast, interrupting each other, and exchanging meaningless catchphrases like “pop off girl” and “say less.” This was a much younger group than usual (college kids & recent graduates, since the space is on a university campus). They appeared to be having a conversation, but it felt like there was nothing behind what they were saying. It was like watching someone on autopilot.

I thought for several minutes about how to bring the group back to this moment, but it always seemed like such too stark or forced a change. I wondered, based on the type of conversation we’d been having thus far, if this group would even want to dive a little deeper to talk about something meaningful.

We had about 15 minutes left of the meeting, so I finally I decided to try to abruptly change the entire tone of the session, just to see if it would work. I asked if everyone was up for drinking the next cup in silence and I’ll guide us in a 2-minute meditation. They all enthusiastically agreed.

I guided us in a simple meditation to create some spaciousness. When we opened our eyes, everyone was quiet and smiling slightly.

I introduced a conversation topic, and for the rest of the time together, only one person talked at a time. Each person took a few seconds to ponder, then shared something while we all listened. We made eye contact with each other. The energy between us had a completely different quality, and every one of us had something deep & personal to share.

This made me realize 2 things:
1) It only takes one person to model a different way to be

2) People (even youngens!) do want to connect & talk about meaningful things

A 4th student walked into the room by mistake at the very end and she was very flustered & apologetic (she didn’t mean to disturb us) and for a few seconds there was a very quick flurry of words from different people “Oh! Sorry I thought…” “You can come in” “It’s okay!”

It made me realize that we don’t have to match the energy of other people. If you’re feeling calm & grounded and your friends are bouncing of the walls, that’s okay. You can be u, and people might be very happen for the invitation to slow down a bit.

Have you ever seen someone exist a certain way and it gave you permission to be that way?